My life is a mess

 Should You Kill Yourself? Obviously not. No. Nah. Even if life's hard.  Imagine if you try and you fail. Then you have to live with your screw up which is honestly embarrassing.  "Trying to take yourself out and not even getting that right.......Bonkers!!" I can say this because I have attempted to kill myself and failed. Tskk tsk.  SUICIDE IS BAD!! I think I still have ptsd from my attempt which is fucking insane seeing as this was aeons ago. Do I still have suicide ideations ??? Yes . I even written goodbye letters and everything.  SUICIDE IS BAD!!!!  But SUICIDE is A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM.  It's cliche but it's true. What's happening right now is just a phase and on the other side is unicorn and rainbows. Not the other side like after death. The other side of this dark point in your life. I'm sorry if my writing sounds sarcastic.  I'm encouraging myself as well and writing it down on a blog to make it less lonely.  PAT...

 I think anxiety came first. Then she invited her friend, Depression. He really fucked me up. You see anxiety made me stutter,  made me question and made me doubt.  But depression it made me wallow. It took the parts of myself that were good and said they weren't good. Depression is a sickness that I feel like I deserved. It's a hell I created.  It's me against the fight against myself. I'm not good at describing Depression and how it affects me which is funny because I'm suppose to be a writer.  I guess that's Depression at work.  I can't find the words because a part of me believes that I am an awful writer, clutching on to a dream I made up as a child which was just only an outlet to help escape my fucked up life. Depression is like having a weight strapped tp your chest. It makes breathing harder. It makes walking harder. It makes everything harder. I dont know if I can escape Depression. I'm a prisoner with a life sentence.  Its me against me Figh...